Published Jan 01, 2006All right all you pencil-necked ninnies, I'm gonna try to keep this real short and simple, cuz I know most of you didn't make it past grade five. Here's the deal o the invention of the Mexican wrestling mask is the single greatest accomplishment in the last 100 years, bar none. How, do you ask, can this be, with such other great items as the "hot pant" and the concept of beer in a can all competing for this same honour? It's like this. Most of you out there is real ugly. Some may use the terms "unusual looking" or "homely," but it's all the same thing. For some, it was the result of an unfortunate childhood diving accident; for the rest, it just came naturally.
But there¡¦s hope. A classy looking lucha libre hood can wipe away all the damage that nasty beating with the proverbial "ugly stick" left you with in a flash. With a nice dress mask going for as little as $25, it's a lot cheaper than that plastic surgery you were thinking about, uggums. Let's face it, any half-shaved ape in a hot mask instantly becomes a sex symbol, and if you need proof, just check out the wild groupie action the Crippler's pullin' in at any one of his numerous public appearances.
That brings us to the rather "blue" use of the wrestling mask, or as I call it, The Best Use of the Wrestling Mask Ever. Let me set the scene for you. It's Friday night and you and the missus are looking to add a little extra spice into your "apartment wrestling" routine. Just throw on a Tiger Mask hood, and you'll be the king of the jungle all night long, Jimmy! Heck, you can both throw one on and double your fun. It's the world's most stylish marital aid. And sex isn't the only activity enhanced with a mask; just about anything, from dancing at the discotheque to enjoying some quiet reading time at home all get that much needed boost.
"Crippler, what about the economic advantages of wearing wrestling masks?" you ask. Well, you're always the life of the party in a mask, or at least an ice-breaking conversation piece/freak and that is your slippery slope to many, many free drinks! That can result in a drastic reduction in alcohol expenditures. Constant mask wear can also eliminate your costly Bryl-Cream and pimple pad spending, unless you have that kind of acne that oozes badly and can wreck your mask. Hell, you might even land a lucrative movie deal like El Santo or Mil Mascaras, or even star in a scintillating "art film," if you know what I mean. That brings us to my final point, which that total equality can be brought on by a global masked society. Just imagine a place with no racism, where a person is seen only for the cut of their mask and the shine of their wrestling boots. It's a world that doesn't have to be a fantasy, and in this sophisticated age of push-up bras and coldcuts, can a lucha-loving utopian society be far off?
The Crippler is a member of the masked wrestling rock¡¦n¡¦roll sensations the Tijuana Bibles, and the inventor of hot pants. Their debut full-length, Apartment Wrestling, will be released October 31, 2000.