Published Dec 16, 2009Let's face it: shopping for a punk rocker is about the most miserable, self-defeating task anyone could ever be saddled with. Whether it's their scrawled, barely legible wishlists written on grease-stained McDonald's napkins (does that say "7-inch - Crass patch" or "7-inch - Ass Scratch"?), or that obligatory grunt and sneer you get when you ask them, "Whatchya want for Xmas?" gift shopping for a punk rocker can be the ultimate test of the good cheer (and extreme patience) needed to survive the holiday season.
So, in the spirit of not strangling these mohawked mofos, we here at Exclaim! have provided you with five easy, albeit seriously lame, gift ideas for those "special" punk rockers in your life. Because, when it comes to shopping for punkers, the best strategy is get in, get it done, and get the fuck out. Seriously, we're talking slide-the-gift-under-their-squat-door-and-run kinda action.
1. Punk Rock Xmas CD
Okay, best as we can tell, part of being punk is embracing all that is shitty. Like, not showering for a month, listening to sub-demo-quality demos, spitting on band dudes because their band is awesome - all that stuff. So, guess it makes sense to give this stupid gift: a compilation of punk bands doing Christmas songs. This motherfucker came out 14 years ago, and nobody has thought about it for about, oh, 14 years. Sure, there's punk royalty like the Damned, the Ramones, Sloppy Seconds and even slightly more "modern" fare like Pansy Division, but none of them make this anything other than drab and forgettable. Which must mean in punkspeak that it's totally, like, good, right? Hence, the perfect stocking stuffer!
2. Punk Rock Christmas Ornaments
Okay, this is one for the clueless gift giver who gets their beloved punker crappy compilations (see Punk Rock Xmas CD) or copies of Green Day albums every year. You're not going to figure out what a good punk gift is anyway, so just throw in the towel and get something like these punk rock Christmas ornaments. This is "punk rock" in the sense of, like, mom tattoos and skulls, because it's just the best you can do.
3. Punk Rock Advent Calendar
Well, this isn't a real advent calendar. (Because if you're punk, you probably hate Christmas anyway.) This is a site that offers one free punk song for download per day in December. So, write the link to this down on a piece of paper, slip it under the tree and the punker can go to your place and use your computer to download the tracks. (Because if they're punk, they might just hate technology and might not have a computer.)
4. Punk Rock Maternity Shirt
Man, living the life of a dirty punk rocker is a mess of contradictions. That's why a lot of us will probably be shopping for a pregnant teen punk rocker this Xmas. See, on one hand many punks think bringing children into the world is a selfish, unfair act punishable by public ridicule and uncontrollable sneering in the general direction of anyone pushing a stroller. But, on the other hand, all forms of birth control are tools of "the man" to keep us "under the thumb of Big Brother." So, voila, punk rock teens multiply like rabbits. And while punk rock maternity wear is probably available at every mall in North America by now (supply equals demand and all of that), this particular design ("Birth control FAIL") is particularly ironic. And punk rockers just loooove irony.
5. Punk Baby Paraphernalia
We've found that the number of punk rock babies and toddlers in our lives is almost the same as the amount of punk rock parents (funny how that works), so shopping for crusty tykes is another necessary toughie. First of all, these little sputniks are usually pretty, um, let's just say, particular about their gifts, and then there's the issue of their parents having ultimate veto power over any gift with corporate ties or vague connections to shady business practices. Which, come to think of it, is pretty much any kids gift ever made, unless it's an organic hemp baseball mitt or something. And needless to say, anything related to Barbie or G.I. Joe is automatically out. Not only that, but punk kids need gifts with attitude-plus. Luckily, the same folks who make the punk rock maternity wear also make a whole line of punk rock baby clothes. And nothing says "Merry Xmas, you special little punk rock someone in our lives" than an "Eat Brains" zombie bib. Done!