Exclaim!'s Top Five Christmas Gifts for That Special Black Metal Someone

Exclaim!'s Top Five Christmas Gifts for That Special Black Metal Someone
Look, they may be as grim as bloody Satanic suicides, black as a night in the woods in some country we didn't even know existed until recently, and true as... well, tr00. But that doesn't mean black metal fans don't celebrate Christmas. You better believe that on 6 a.m. Christmas morning, the corpse paint gets washed off, and Xul or Myyyyrh come running up from the basement to see what goodies await them under the tree, just like they've been doing for the past 30 years.

Here are a few suggestions as to what to get that special someone in your life who is so "kvlt" it seems like he or she has it all.

1. Emperor Guitar Tab Book

Okay, this one might seem a little obvious, but black metal folks like learning guitar tablature as much as the rest of us. And thanks to Rock Mania, we can now wrap up an Emperor Scattered Ashes: Decade of Emperial Wrath guitar tablature book in animal skin and leave it under the tree for our black metal brethren. This 132-page tome (£10 plus shipping from the UK) features a foreword and transcriptions by Emperor vocalist/guitarist Ihsahn.

Running through a veritable greatest hits of Emperor classics, this tab book will have that corpse-painted family member or friend shredding away and circular headbanging to the likes of "Inno a Satana" and "Thus Spake the Nightspirit" in no time.

Says Ihsahn on the Rock Mania website, "When looking for material covering the more extreme forms of metal, I found there were definite shortcomings, and hence came the idea to do a tab book on Emperor. As tab books were such an important part of my early years as a guitar player, I hope this book too may be helpful and inspiring to guitarists with a passion for extreme music."

And this book's not even the tip of the frozen fjord for black metal gift ideas over at Rock Mania. While there, be sure to pick up some Venom Black Metal custom sweatbands for cheap stocking stuffers (£3.75 plus shipping) and, for the gay black metallers in our lives, a Gorgoroth True Norwegian Black Metal longsleeve (£20 plus shipping).

2. ICE Artwork

The dilemma with giving gifts of the holiday season to nihilistic, depressed and unnervingly angry black metal loved ones is that the last thing we want to do is push them over the edge. No one needs another church-burning in their neighbourhood, especially in December. So, gifts to calm down those satanic warriors are always a nice idea. Enter this lovingly rendered piece of digitally created artwork in poster format, entitled Imperial Crystalline Entombment (or ICE, for short).

According to Zazzle.com, ICE depicts the "winter fantasy servants of the great ravaskeith; the four spirits of the apocolyptic blizzard regime - Mammoth, Blizzzard, IceSickKill and Bleak." Sounds like a great conversation piece.

ICE is available in numerous sizes, from the modest "portfolio" size of 16 inches wide by 11 inches tall, for under $30 (shipping extra), right up to the oppressively "colossal" size of 78 inches by 51 inches, for the equally oppressive price of $389.85, before shipping. Man, we can only imagine the shipping charges on these things, but those special black metallers in our lives are worth every penny, aren't they? Like, remember that time Ovakilltor spared your new kitten in that impromptu sacrifice? That was nice of him, right?

3. Peter Beste's True Norwegian Black Metal

Little Morgygl has been denying himself the pleasure of buying it (too slick looking, not cult enough). But this book is pretty darn cool, with plenty of blood, inverted crosses and dudes in funny makeup making grim-as-fuck faces. And that's just the front cover!

Bundle it up with The Satanic Bible, The Necronomicon (both of his copies have weird stains on them) and, just to show you're down, a ripped-up copy of Lords of Chaos, 'cuz Morgygl always talks about how exploitive that shit is (and, a dude from Twilight playing Varg in the upcoming movie adaptation? Fuck right off!). Uh, and we're a bit concerned with all that "thou" and "wilt" bullshit that some of these books contain, so maybe you should throw a dictionary in there too. Just sayin'.

4. A New Tape Deck

This one is a great idea because, as those black metallers are always saying, they only like the demos anyway. We'd suggest one like this, because the description says it has a black metal case, which sounds pretty morbid, kvlt and true! Oh, wait, they don't mean tr00 black, they mean, like, the colour black, and the material metal... well, screw it, just get whatever goddamn tape deck you can and get it fast - those Maniac Butcher and Beherit demos aren't going to last forever. That shit's gonna disintegrate soon! Which, in a way, is as tr00 as it gets.

5. Pig Tail Butt Plug

We've saved the best gift idea for last. Because, well, dire and forlorn black metallers like to use sex toys, too. But not just those run-of-the-mill sex toys. Nope, black metallers need something as perverse and brutal as the treble-laden noise cranked out of their jet black iPods. Introducing the product that "will make their bottom squeal like a pig," say the merry merchants at Extreme Restraints, who add, "It doesn't get much more humiliating than this," to which we have to heartily agree. This sour-looking pig tail butt plug measures nine inches, four for the plug and five for the tail, and runs about $25 before shipping. Mayhem fans will be particularly keen to not-so-gently insert this swine-themed butt plug while drinking eggnog from a severed pig's head. And, hey, maybe Dani Filth can use one of these lil' piggies to hit those high notes on the next Cradle of Filth record?