Published Dec 22, 2009Dude, even stoners celebrate Christmas. After all, it's pretty fuckin' trippy - a huge, jolly dude with a permanent case of the munchies floating down everyone's chimneys to eat their cookies and leave them gifts? But what do you get that stoner rocker who's got the entire Pentagram catalogue, like, everything on Tee Pee and Meteor City and Rise Above, as well as all the different versions of Sleep's Jerusalem? And, of course, it goes without saying they already have everything that has anything to do with Kyuss or Fu Manchu. Well, for starters, how about getting them nothing by that band U.S. Christmas, even though they're kind of stoner-ish and seasonal and all, but they're also an overrated headache (yes, she goes from a whisper to a scream all the time, but so does dude from Korn). Uh, anyway... sorry, what was the question?
1.Napalm Records Stocking Stuffers
Seeing as how stoner kings Monster Magnet recently signed to Napalm Records, how about getting your special stoner someone a little Napalm Records catch-up package? After all, this is some trippy shit. We've got folky medieval-fair metal that sounds like it was played and sung by drunken elves, full-on jolly roger swashbuckling pirate metal and hilarious gothic power metal stuff that must be a clouded-out joke. The storylines alone are as involved as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and these discs are generally only 70 minutes long, so that's a lot of story crammed in there. These people had to have been stoned as shit while making this stuff; Monster Magnet will fit right in here. And maybe that Monster Magnet/Die Verbannten Kinder Evas double-bill we've been fantasizing about for years will finally come to fruition.
2. Stoner Rock Xmas Tree Ornament
All good stoner rockers already have a bong load of stoner rock and black light posters adorning their walls, but how many take it to that next level and actually decorate the Christmas tree with stoner rock-themed Xmas ornaments? Well, now thanks to the righteous dudes over at Café Press, every Saint Vitus fan with a spliff to burn can hang circular ornaments - like Bong Hit, Stoners Rock and Metalhead Jed ($14 each, plus shipping) - on their winter-themed tree. Now, if only you and your circle of close stoners could smoke the damned tree come January 1! Cousin Darryl's grow-op is sprouting some pretty big plants these days, but he's yet to harvest a six-footer.
3. Sleep Reunion Show Tickets
Serioulsy, get that special stoner metaller tickets to every single goddamn one of these Sleep reunion shows rumoured to be going down in 2010. This requires doing things like travelling from show to show, which does take some awareness and motivation (and planning), but, hell, look what the Grateful Dead fans can pull off! Your beloved stoner rocker can surely make it out for some goddamned Sleep shows, the mightiest and heaviest of all who are, and who have ever been, stoned.
4. Hemp Guitar Case
It's really too bad Jerry Garcia didn't stick around long enough to see this next little piece of Christmas booty, but, hey, at least Wino's still around to enjoy it. Family and loved ones of Wino, please write this down on your Christmas shopping list: Get Wino a Levy's hemp guitar gig bag! And those who have stoner rock musicians on their buying list, please follow suit. Levy's hemp bag features leather trim, one-inch foam padding, plush lining, internal bridge and string protectors, and lots of accessory pockets because, you know, you can put your weed in there. Now, it does go for about $210, plus shipping, so it's gonna cut into the pot fund quite a bit, but, come on, that beloved stoner rocker has fronted you more times than you can count. Our suggestion? Throw in a hemp guitar strap to sweeten the, er, pot.
5. Bong Guitar
Okay, now that our special stoner rockers are all decked out in the best tunes and pot-related paraphernalia, the killer bud icing on that already-copious pot plant cake (dude, stick with us here) would be to throw a huge-ass glass bong under the tree. Boring! Plus, every stoner rocker worth their resin already has a wide assortment of translucent smoking devices. Nope, the be-all, end-all of pot smokers' booty has to be the now-infamous Bong Guitar. Featuring a plexiglass body, this guitar features an in-guitar smoking chamber that is separated from the electronics. Duuuuuude, can you imagine the guys in Pentagram rocking these onstage? Killer. There's only one problem, it's going to be mighty hard to cop one of these beauties... it seems the genius who invented this playable bong-of-all-bongs forgot to make a website. Still, get some particularly crafty stoner rocker buddies to smoke a few bowls, and I'm sure they'll come up with some completely cosmic idea on how to duplicate this masterpiece.