The Exclaim! Guide to April Fool's Day's Fake Stories

The Exclaim! Guide to April Fool's Day's Fake Stories
It being April Fool's Day, a number of music–related pranks have been making the rounds on websites and social media, and even Exclaim! staffers can admit we've been sucked into some of the phony stories flying around in the past. Here are a just a few of the funnier fake reveals made today that had us jumping out of our seats for those first few seconds before reality ground us down into a series of dubious face-palms.

David Bowie Opens a Pet Shop:

While the Thin White Duke just kicked his solo career back into high gear via the release of his stunning The Next Day, Clash broke the "news" that the beloved artist would move into a new business venture by starting up a pet shop called, obviously, "The Spiders From Mars." Since a source noted that various, ahem, Scary Monsters would be up for sale, we were wondering just how many Diamond Dogs would be up for grabs. Of course, Clash themselves revealed their own gag with a link that, instead of going to a shop mock-up, produced the cat image pictured above.

Boards of Canada Announce New 'Quetzalcoatl' LP:

This one was easy to get sucked into, considering Boards of Canada hinted at new work about a year ago, but the Quetzalcoatl LP Fact "reported" earlier today is, regrettably, total B.S.

Unfortunately, this means we won't be hearing any "analogue sorcery" or "controlled malevolence" anytime soon, nor will we get a disc full of sequentially screwy untitled tracks, including two track ones. Damn.

One Direction Playing Secret Set at Glastonbury:

As the lines between pop, rock, dance, rap and every genre under the sun further blur, hearing about UK boy band One Direction booking a secret set at Glastonbury doesn't seem all that far-fetched.

"It might seem like a strange booking at first, but One Direction are the biggest boyband [sic] on the planet and Glastonbury is the biggest festival. One way or another, this was always on the cards," a "source" told NME.

Regrettably, (or thankfully, depending on your stance,) the quintet won't actually woo the festival crowd alongside the Stones, Arctic Monkeys, Nick Cave and more. The big jokey tip-off to this being an April Fool's prank being that the group were allegedly set to toast previous secret guests Radiohead with a cover of "Paranoid Android," replete with spastic, Thom Yorke-styled choreography. "It looks easy, but you try doing it in unison," the same "source" said.

Daft Punk Cancels Album Release:

XLR8R put fear into the hearts of French Touch lovers worldwide by reporting that after amassing guest spots from Paul Williams, Giorgio Moroder, Pharrell Williams and Chic's Nile Rodgers, Daft Punk had opted to straight-up scorch their long-awaited Random Access Memories LP. An alleged quote from the band noted that while the set was apparently "pretty OK," the helmeted duo would "rather just scrap it, because when it comes down to it, the music just really isn't that good."

While bummed, at least XLR8R let fans take solace in a blippy "hella sikk trap remix" of "One More Time" done by the drop-loving Proper Villains, which leads us to…

Soundcloud Announces The Dropometer:

Today, Soundcloud cheekily unveiled their latest aural innovation: The Dropometer. The new technology intends to add the euphoric feeling of a dance beat's pressure-cooker kapow to everyday life.

As Soundcloud explains, the Dropometer is "designed to help you prepare yourself for the big moment, whether that means getting in the mental space where you can really break it down, or fixing yourself a fortifying snack." Best of all, this tech thinks outside the box, moving from dubstep territory towards classical music and This American Life podcasts.

Gotye Signs on for 'Punk'd'-Styled New Show 'Gotye':

Belgian-Australian pop star Gotye is getting his own TV show! Well, not really, but perhaps the best of today's baloney seems somewhat believable because it manages to bring pranks into its pitch, not to mention a top-notch pun. According to what is no doubt an authentic Tumblr site, the "Somebody That I Used to Know" singer is developing a Punk'd-style program full of tomfoolery, including "man-on-the-street segments, hidden camera goofs, topical sketches, flashmobs and, to close out the show each night, a brand new pop song parody written by the artist himself."

Best (or worst) of all, each segment supposedly caps with someone jumping out of nowhere and screaming "Gotye!" (sound it out, people). You can see the wackiness down below in the faux trailer. Thanks go to Aux for this one.