Published Jan 06, 2016David Bowie celebrates his 69th birthday this Friday (January 8) by releasing his 25th studio full-length, Blackstar. Now, ask yourself this: how old are you and what the fuck have you done with your life? Prepare to have all your self-esteem levels come crashing down to earth, as a website has surfaced that puts your measly existence at odds with the Thin White Duke's countless life accomplishments.
A site called "What Did David Bowie Do at Your Age?" intends to make you feel absolutely terrible by asking how old you are, and then rifling off various facts about what Bowie did during that year of his life.
To be fair, some of the facts are pretty ho-hum, like being a "good looking baby" at one, or being the kind of 65-year-old guy who has "hailed a cab in New York City."
Some of the finer ones include milestones like having a spider named after you at 62, releasing "the legendary album The Man Who Sold the World at 23, and making the supremely wise choice of changing his given name of "David Jones" to "David Bowie" in order to escape confusion between himself and Monkees member Davy Jones.
Other career highlights include playing the, um, seemingly well-endowed Goblin King at 39, appearing in a home movie at three, and breaking new ground by issuing early Internet-only single "Telling Lies" in 1996 at the age of 49. Of the latter, it's noted that it took people over 11 minutes to download the single at the time.
If you're feeling a bit down about Bowie's accomplishments, keep this in mind: it only takes a matter of seconds to post a home video of yourself wearing a giant codpiece and doing your magic dance for the masses. What an age, indeed.
If you want to know more about what Bowie has cooked up for his birthday, read our track-by-track guide to Blackstar over here.