Ben Joseph The Exclaim! Questionnaire

Ben Joseph The Exclaim! Questionnaire
Ben Joseph is a 30-year-old writer from Toronto. He won a Daytime Emmy for writing on the Disney program Rolie Polie Olie. He's currently working as a writer on Nelvana animation programs The Berenstain Bears and Moville Mysteries.

Current fixations:
Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've been watching professional wrestling for about 15 years now and I can't stop. Why do I still have friends? Don't call me when "my stories" are on, damn it!

Mind-altering work of art:
Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions. It's so simple yet it says so much. Everyone I know should own it and perhaps one day even read it. Just don't see the Bruce Willis movie.

Most memorable or inspirational gig and why?
Going to see Pantera and Slayer in Hamilton. All it needed was Bo and Luke driving the General Lee through a ring of burning fire. Baby, you give white trash a bad name.

What has been your career high and low?
High: winning a Daytime Emmy for writing (thus being able to "one-up" my brother for the rest of my life).
Low: writing for the CBC show Jonovision, and getting the common comment from everyone: "I didn't even know they had writers."

What should everyone shut up about?
All of a sudden everyone seems to be experts in Afghanistan history, terrain, politics, art, and religion. Shut up, you mindless regurgitating drones. I watch CNN too.

I would drop everything to play a benefit for:
Homeless, crippled, third-world puppies.

What trait do you like and dislike most about yourself?
Trait I like: competitive spirit that hates to lose.
Trait I hate: bouts of hypochondria followed by waves of depression, melancholy and "the vapours."

What would make you kick someone out of your band and/or bed, and have you?
Sorry Creed lovers, but you have to leave now. That's "my sacrifice."

When I think of Canada I think:
Of a nation that desperately wants everyone to like them, to really, really like them. And novels with wheat fields on the cover. And don't get me started on those movies.

What is your vital daily ritual?
Taking a deep breath, shaking my head and wondering why I still live at home.

How do you spoil yourself?
I call in the Oompa-Loopas to feed me grapes, massage my feet and do my nails.

What was your most memorable day job?
There's nothing quite like stacking Ez-Bake ovens on the top shelf at Toys 'R' Us. (Kids, that's what an English B.A. will get ya.)

If I wasn't a writer I would be:
El Gigante, the giant of midget wrestling. Or I'd be in a "Candi and the BackBeat" cover band. Sadly, Candi herself will be in it.

What is your greatest fear?
Being labelled "The Man Pussy Forgot."

If you had a superpower, what would it be?
I am Sarcazamo! I will use my powers of sarcasm to belittle you and lower your opinion of yourself! Ha ha ha! But seriously: probably teleportation. Bamf!

What makes you want to take it off and get it on?
Are those Olson Twins legal yet? When is somebody going to put an "advent" calendar out for that?

Music and sex: Is there a difference? Why?
You can't get a bad case of the crabs from a Mariah Carey album.

Strangest brush with celebrity:
Sitting next to Jedi Knight Liam Neeson at a strip bar. Seeing a drunk Schindler trying to put together a very special list with the dancers was kind of funny. Dude, it's Darkman!

Who would be your ideal dinner guest, living or dead, and what would you serve them?
Charles Bukowski, meet Jack Daniels. Dinner is served. Bottoms up!

What does your mom wish you were doing instead?
An astronaut doctor-lawyer, soaring through space curing the sick and suing the pants off the unjust.