Published Nov 01, 2016Bandwagon Blue Jays fan Adele is currently sitting pretty atop the pop throne following her wildly successful 2015 album 25. But as the title implies, the most recent record arrived after Adele took a four-year break from 21, and now the singer has revealed some less-than-sunny details about her time away from the spotlight.
In a new cover story for Vanity Fair, the 28-year-old opens up about the challenges she faced becoming a new mother. Her son Angelo is four years old now and having him in her life has been an understandably huge adjustment.
"I love my son more than anything, but on a daily basis, if I have a minute or two, I wish I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever I want," she said. "Every single day I feel like that."
She also revealed that she's scared of having another child in the future because of her last experience.
"I'm too scared. I had really bad postpartum depression after I had my son, and it frightened me," she said.
And while she didn't enlist the help of antidepressants, she did find herself reluctant to talk to her friends about what she was feeling, gravitating instead towards other mothers.
"My friends who didn't have kids would get annoyed with me, whereas I knew I could just sit there and chat absolute mush with my friends who had children, and we wouldn't judge each other," she continued. "One day I said to a friend, 'I fuckin' hate this,' and she just burst into tears and said, 'I fuckin' hate this, too.' And it was done. It lifted. My knowledge of postpartum — or post-natal, as we call it in England — is that you don't want to be with your child; you're worried you might hurt your child; you're worried you weren't doing a good job. But I was obsessed with my child. I felt very inadequate; I felt like I'd made the worst decision of my life."
Now, the singer makes sure to set aside an afternoon of alone time once a week "just to do whatever the fuck I want without my baby." And while Adele feels bad, she now knows that it's "not as bad as I'd feel if I didn't do it."
The arrival of her son (and vocal surgery) have also helped the singer kick what she described as a "massive" drinking habit. "Having a hangover with a child is torture," she told the magazine. It's not merely the inconvenience of feeling like shit around a kid, though — growing up a bit and having a child herself altered her relationship with alcohol.
"I used to love to be drunk, but as I got more famous I would wake up the next morning and think, 'What the fuck did I say and who the fuck did I say it to?' I never had blackouts, but when you're drunk and you go to a party, you'll talk to anyone," she said. "I can see from an outsider's perspective that I will never write songs as good as the ones that are on 21, but I'm not as indulgent as I was then, and I don't have time to fall apart like I did then. I was completely off my face writing that album, and a drunk tongue is an honest one. I would drink two bottles of wine, and I would chain-smoke. Then I'd write the lyrics down and the next morning think, 'Fuck, that's quite good.' Then I'd find the melody. But since I've had my baby, I'm not as carefree as I used to be. I'm scared of a lot of things now because I don't want to die; I want to be around for my kid."
You can read the full Vanity Fair article here.