Steven Seagal Lawman: The Complete Season One

Not long ago, Steven Seagal was working his Hollywood contacts to get a Genghis Khan biopic off the ground in the hopes of playing the Mongolian invader himself. Now, I'm not sure if anyone is aware of this, but Steven Seagal is not Asian. He is, however, an obsessive student of martial arts that says the word "Zen" a lot, suggesting that, similar to Transamerica's Bree, he too struggles in a body that doesn't fit him — a 300-pound body that sweats whenever he talks. He also has an unhealthy obsession with power and being right, which is something we learn and have time to contemplate during the first season of his Cops-style reality series, wherein he enforces the law in Louisiana. Throughout the 13 episodes of the "The Complete Season One" (a phrasing that perplexes me but seems strangely appropriate for the program), Seagal and a bunch of other fat white men drive around looking for groups of black people to harass, assuming they all have guns and/or crack. Unfortunately, they leave their crosses and hoods at home. Seagal yammers a lot about resolving issues with humour (or at least something resembling humour) and remaining calm as part of his Eastern philosophical learnings. In fact, he spends most of his time talking about what other people could learn from him, never once considering what he might learn from them. In between night time patrols and sporadic arrests, we watch the Under Siege star train his attack dogs, shoot guns at a firing range and teach other police officers basic martial arts principles. It's terrible even by reality television standards, but because the failed country singer takes himself so seriously, Lawman delivers more than a few unintended laughs, which, in my books, makes it worth checking out. Included with the two-disc DVD set is additional footage where, again, Seagal sweats and struggles with breathing.