Slap 'N' Tickle

Slap 'N' Tickle
Just sex, hold the gore. As often uncomfortable as it is insightful or funny, this all things coital offering is consistently decent in execution.

Labour Laws kicks things off on a silly note. A pregnant woman develops a mantra over lunch with her friends: anything a woman can do, she can do pregnant. That includes rocking a stripper pole.

The Confession of Father John Thomas had me apprehensive that it would be some disturbing Boys of St. Vincent level seriousness. Not the case. Father Thomas is an animated cock with a clerical collar. He confesses to sucking off random dick and enjoying taking confession from Ms. Beaver Eater, a vagina with legs, for the visualizations of her dirty thoughts, which the viewer is treated to, in detail. Father Thomas designates himself a lesbian vagina trapped in a gay cock's body and isn't sure what that makes him other than a little queer.

That's saying a lot more than the simplistic display of the healing power of massage in Touch. Yes, massages are therapeutic, but this perfume ad-looking ode to the discipline depicting what it takes to shut up a stressed-out business woman has nothing else to say.

On the awkward front, The Exit takes a look at the troubles inherent with a separated couple sharing a living space. The estranged lovers come across as roomies, joking about their previous night's flings while jockeying for couch space so as to avoid sharing bed space with their new playmates. Of course, not everything is as simpatico as they'd have each other believe.

Shuffling expectations of why a guy might be sneaking out after a night of man love with a stranger, In the Light is a clever subversion of traditional fidelity and sexual identity issues. Not every man hiding a ring after a gay romp is a married closet case.

Of less conceptual value is Amourette, which is quite simply anatomically correct marionettes engaging in a jolly rogering until they are worn to sawdust by the sandpaper floor while a French woman coos, subtitle-free, in the background. Yeah, sex can consume you.

Darkly funny and un-sexily revealing, Sugar shows a doctor pulling panties out of a male cadaver's mouth, then rewinds time to show how the unfortunate bloke ended up that way.

Vapour, according to the in-film title, but needlessly translated as Steam on the menu, is based on a true story, the full context of which is a little difficult to decipher due to structural ambiguity. Flipping between colour and black & white, with random reverse motion thrown in, it's unclear what is happening when. A man listens to a phone message congratulating him on a new baby. He shaves his head and goes to a bathhouse, where there is mention of murder. Then, we seem to see his memories of a past in gay porn. I'm sure there's an important tale hidden here somewhere, but why intentionally blur the facts of a true story?

Continuing the adult entertainment industry kick, Grandpa's Wet Dream documents a 76-year-old man explaining how he got involved in the Japanese porn business. Initially being too embarrassed to buy his spank bank material from a downtown retailer, Grandpa decided he'd go directly to the production company to make his clandestine purchases. Not only does he get videos, he gets a job as the pervy go-to old guy for a lengthy career in smut. Reflecting on how he's kept this side of his life hidden from his family, he jokes about showing his performances at his wake before the documentarian sobers him up with some real talk about how that would affect his family and questions Grandpa's agenda of video immortality.

Back to the silly side of sex, Abduct Me! features a horn-dog grossing out his date by popping a chubby during a good night hug, only to be nabbed by a sexy alien naïve about human anatomy, whom he promptly cons into giving him a hand job. It's not a good idea to take advantage of a species with superior surgical skills and tools. A Looney-Tunes referencing score does nothing to enhance the juvenile humour.

Scene From A Relationship #2 commences with a new couple humping against a white backdrop. Their fawning, young passion is shaken by the lame, insecure question: "did you cum?" She didn't, or you wouldn't be asking. Their following discussion of sexual history just raises more insecurity issues for the wussy, immature, overreacting bitch of a man. Let's hope she dumped the jerk after the credits.

Finally, we have an Australian comedy of misunderstanding and hypocritical tolerance, Dik. Suspicious phrasing on a drawing their eight-year-old son made has his parents wondering if he's getting into early sexual experimentation with a playmate. The seemingly open-minded wife asks her husband to share an innocent tale of youthful experimentation and then loses her shit when she realizes her husband has a very different idea of what constitutes youth. Resulting in a relationship implosion, the implication is that it's a good idea to clarify interpretations before baring hidden parts of your sexual history.