Slap ‘N' Tickle

Slap ‘N' Tickle
Look, I'm okay with watching a dude make out with a dog, or explicit gay sex that looks something like angry pigeons stomping on each other's heads, or 73-year-old women dry humping men half their age, or even an assortment of vividly animated twats. But where I draw the line is watching a big ole bull-dyke strap on a dildo and screw a woman dressed as a sheep doggie-style while yelling, "Gimme some of that sweet sheep pussy!" Somehow, this is worse than my experience at the Inside Out Festival a few years back when a short titled Blowing Bubbles revealed a close-up, stop-motion animated short of a woman's vagina chewing gum and blowing a bubble.

To sate curiosity, the short that features this disturbing image is The Sheep and the Ranch Hand, and it's not even that good. It's kind of cheap and overly strained, featuring a woman downing a bag of Cheezies and masturbating to the Discovery Channel. It is, however, high art compared to Vagina Vacation, which is essentially the story of a vagina that gets tired of pushing out babies and, as the title suggests, decides to take a vacation. Why her vagina is a flamboyant gay man is a mystery, as is the story wherein it becomes popular and told that it "smells good."

This program isn't all bad though, as Man's Best Friend manages to master a sincere and grave tone while dealing with ludicrous subject matter, only heightening the laughs in this tale of star-crossed lovers. Trolls is similarly amusing and impressive, featuring a couple of second graders trying to figure out what sex is all about. Apparently, kissing with tongues is oral sex.

Texture of Dreams is a French animated short of vaginas. I would reference Georgia O'Keeffe, but there's nothing subtle or particularly floral about this one. Honestly, this was like a day in the life of a gynaecologist, only with the misfortune of birth canals mutating into boats, bathtubs and what appears to be a taco. Make a run for the border, indeed.

On the upside, Bye Bye, C'est Fini is a fun little documentary about a woman in her 70s that takes on three younger lovers, using them for sex, which mixes well with Granny Time, wherein several older women tell a joke about airplane sodomy.

Sex with Hot Robots does its best with mockumentary, introducing a lifelike "maid" robot that people eventually use as personal depositories, while Gayby does the whole modern relationship spin with a gay guy and his fag hag struggling through awkward sex in the hopes of having a baby. This coitus is considerably more affectionate than that in Love 2, where one guy seemingly abuses another during the act and then casually rolls over to take a phone call from his wife, pulling off a condom on camera.

And we wouldn't want to forget Dinner Date, which is one of those "he said, she said" things where men and women recount dates, having had very different experiences. It's apparently funny because men hate romance and women hate it when a man climaxes quickly. Perhaps this would have been cutting edge in the mid-'80s, but…