The Darkest Hour [Blu-Ray]

Since most movie monsters and aliens look like toothed-vaginas, reminding us of the amusingly rudimentary Freudian roots of male anxiety, it's nice to see that the resident baddies of The Darkest Hour – ostensibly killer microwave rays – look like a gentler, fluffier variation on the vagina, shooting electric tentacles that, when fried, look somewhat akin to a glowing, charred octopus. And why is it that humankind is being decimated by crazed alien energy rays in this forgettable disaster horror hybrid? We're being punished for all of our modern gadgetry that keeps us connected through invisible waves, encouraging virtual socialization over physical. Essentially, the aliens of The Darkest Hour are hippie vegan monster vaginas. They attack immediately following the set-up of a failed Moscow business deal with Americans Sean (Emile Hirsch) and Ben (Max Minghella), where they discover their "Hey, we're within a close proximity of each other, let's fuck!" cell phone app has been stolen by Russian douchebag Skyler (Joel Kinnaman). Along for the Red Dawn excursion is the American, Natalie (Olivia Thirlby), and the Australian, Anne (Rachael Taylor), who act as the love interest and the bimbo that makes shitty decisions, respectively. The reason they're all in Russia when shit goes down doesn't have anything to do with a Cold War allegory or anything quite so profound. Rather, director Chris Gorak points out on the commentary track that the architecture of Moscow isn't normally seen in these kinds of films. Therefore, to summarize, when vapid, interchangeable 20somethings are vaporized by idealistic monster snatches, they at least get the opportunity to explore some kick-ass buildings and walkways. As for their terror, they spend a lot of time running away from habitable safe areas to investigate lights and discover explanations, despite the entire city being littered with invisible, vaporizing killers. In short, they're idiots, which is why watching them run away from glowing, tentacled twats is funnier than it is scary. Also included with the Blu-Ray is a short film showing that there were survivors in other countries. It adds absolutely nothing, but at least we learn that when threatened, human beings around the world immediately grab guns and hide in tunnels and caves.