Blood and Chocolate Katja von Garnier

There isn’t a single credible line or believable shot in the whole of Blood and Chocolate, which is too bad since it’s depending so terribly on you buying the whole shebang.

Agnes Bruckner plays a rebellious young werewolf who’s about to be married off to pack leader Olivier Martinez. Unfortunately for the pack, she’s just fallen in love with comic book artist Hugh Dancy and isn’t interested in lupine advances. This would be fine were it not for the cheapness of the enterprise; with a limited budget for CGI, this means a lot of people running in ways that are meant to suggest wolf movements while failing, tragically, to actually do so.

Director Katja von Garnier further compounds things by relying on slo-mo like no movie I’ve ever seen before and lighting for a steely grey that’s unattractive and lacks atmosphere. Of course, that would be to suggest that the script can be salvaged, but it can’t, at all. Plot holes abound, laughable dialogue ("Silly girl! You are loup-garou!”) runs rampant and the actors are left holding the bag with nothing in the way of support.

Against all odds Bruckner keeps it together but the rest of the cast is completely defeated, with Martinez looking especially silly with his heavy accent and anesthetised expression. Camp fanciers are advised to line up early: there were scattered laughs during my public screening, and with the right combination of hard liquor and low expectations you could laugh yourself silly.

However, with its teen-friendly rating ruling out even gorehounds, everyone is advised to steer clear, perhaps to your DVD copy of An American Werewolf in London.