Beach Kings Paul Nihipali

There is a moment in Beach Kings, around the hour-and-five-minute mark, which makes the entire act of watching the film worthwhile. It's what YouTube was invented for. Baywatch's David Charvet experiences a bout of paranoia at a trendy nightclub where a ten-year-old (because what nightclub doesn't let in a ten-year-old?) makes fun of him, leading him to throw a temper tantrum, running out into the street crying about his hurt feelings, only to smash a store window and throw television sets into the street. It's fantastic. The reason for Mr. Charvet's little outburst comes from a tortured past of college basketball failure. You see, apparently the brilliance of being a "pro-athlete" (his words, not mine) has a dark side, as illustrated in the film by CGI basketball hoops and random dissolves not unlike the dissolution of a vampire on Buffy. In moving past his dark times, Cameron Day (Charvet) accepts a job as a shoe salesman for Jaleel White (television's "Urkel"), when not playing beach volleyball with Kristin Cavallari, who spends much of the movie wandering around in a bikini and high heels, since comfort is clearly paramount (writer/director Paul Nihipali's only previous writing credit is Playboy: Celebrity Centerfolds, after all). If this weren't Surreal Life enough, Wilson Cruz pops up to help bring negative gay stereotypes into the mix, when Cameron Day isn't sparking up a seriously lame romance with One Tree Hill's Torrey DeVitto. Many beach volleyball tournaments ensue, as do atrocious editing techniques, bizarre cinematography, porn-quality dialogue and a dramatic interlude over one's ability to score trim. On the upside, the narrative is relatively coherent, unlike Matthew McConaughey's little beach outing, Surfer, Dude. Come see this one for the dialogue and stay for David Charvet's "acting." No supplements are included with the DVD, likely due to embarrassment. (MGM)