Yo, if your band looks like this, your album is getting a 7.8 from pitchfork pic.twitter.com/B2GSpC1iCn— big like mountain (@andrewanaya) September 8, 2018
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/373i8VTHPT— 🍁Jay🍁 (@CanesinceDay1) September 8, 2018
I FOUND HIM pic.twitter.com/UqTqpE3L6C— Dara Kaye (@DaraKaye) September 9, 2018
They should update the national anthem's lyrics to include a steamy romantic subplot about two average citizens.— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 9, 2018
This is literally 98% of the episodes. 🤷♂️ pic.twitter.com/CBGgtdRTVo— Yoni (@OriginalYoni) September 9, 2018
Think of how funny it would be if your mother was just jealous of the Beastie Boys.— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) September 9, 2018
Comedians on Twitter pre-2016:— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) September 10, 2018
I like my steak the way I like my Pokémon cards, rare!
Comedians on Twitter post-2016:
Today I was blocked by the undersecretary of the Department of Education for an essay I wrote on how fundamental rights of the electorate being impinged by ch
I laughed at this way too hard. pic.twitter.com/Tejtz5EG83— Miranda Summers Lowe (@Msummerslowe) September 10, 2018
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal— Josh (@LoserCrew) September 10, 2018
Takes a screencap so he can subtweet like Gaston pic.twitter.com/shwvKTxO4c— Eric Proton (@EricProton) September 10, 2018
Criticizing Trump in a book is just unfair.— Melanie (@PoliteMelanie) September 10, 2018
It's like criticizing the Amish on television.
ʜᴏʀʀɪʙʟᴇ ɢᴏᴏsᴇ— 📻 know scissor, know shock (@nailheadparty) September 10, 2018
𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐒𝐄 pic.twitter.com/YTrpKtfBKe
YEEEEEEAAAAAH! 9/11! We're gonna mourn this tragedy TO THE MAX! pic.twitter.com/NCfBuoFVJv— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 11, 2018
I can't. pic.twitter.com/LbeoEUTUFl— Meredith Salenger (@MeredthSalenger) September 11, 2018
*dies on Norm Macdonald hill*— Nick Flanagan (@theflans) September 12, 2018
I didn't realize "Come Together" was based on a true story. Folks https://t.co/u0HRTiMfic— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 11, 2018
I seldom apologize in emails.— Maya (@themayannn) September 11, 2018
- Thanks for flagging!
- Good catch - I will make the updates/changes.
- Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb]
- Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb]
Stop over-apologizing at work.
there's no greater feeling of abundance than going from scraping the bottom of an old peanut butter jar to cracking a new one and just slathering it everywhere with no regard for god's or man's law— merritt k (@merrittk) September 12, 2018
I'm still amazed that 30 years into gangsta rap, the name Young Thug was still available.— Travon Free (@Travon) September 12, 2018
I wonder how many more natural disasters of biblical proportions until we stop electing climate deniers— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) September 12, 2018
Wow I read the first few words of this and was like 'ha same' then as I kept reading I was like 'oh shit no not same not same' https://t.co/i7KdQfiUgZ— Ste (@notstelfc) September 12, 2018
WIFE: can you clear the dinner table?— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 14, 2018
ME: *fetching skateboard* I can try!
Congratulations to @ConanOBrien on 25 years of hosting late night! I'm not going to attempt a joke, because I will never be as funny as you are.— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) September 14, 2018
Do you know how evil you have to be for a story to come out that you hate blind people and it's not even in the top five worst things about you today https://t.co/iSSBLStmAu— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 14, 2018
already counting down the days until next years 9/11 anniversary when Art Garfunkel reminisces about the time he performed analingus on Paul Simon— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) September 13, 2018
Did Kavanaugh send a "I didn't rape you in high school, did I" request on Facebook to find 65 women he knew in high school overnight?— Betty F*ckin' White (@BettyFckinWhite) September 14, 2018
"A woman has said he raped her in high school."— Cam Banks (@boymonster) September 14, 2018
"This list of 65 women from his high school say he's great."
"Wait, why did you have that list?"