October 20
I'm sorry I retweeted you, and then my weird follower replied something inappropriate.
— Haunted pile of "Shithead" (@THE_shitface) October 21, 2018
A Twitter Story
October 21
Nice work, computer. pic.twitter.com/tvBgphbegQ
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 21, 2018
There are roughly 40 million kangaroos worldwide and there are 8 million people in Ohio so if there was an instance that kangaroos invaded Ohio each individual would have to fight off a minimum of 5 kangaroos and idk if we could do it
— Plex (@laz1023) October 21, 2018
I got M. Night Shyamalan'd pic.twitter.com/God6gmCsNI
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) October 22, 2018
Have decided that instead of letting my identity be erased by the government I'm going to double down and become twice as transgender
— Laura Jane Grace (@LauraJaneGrace) October 21, 2018
October 22
Garfield pic.twitter.com/uVkaaFt3Cr
— pixelated (something halloween-related) (@pixelatedboat) October 22, 2018
People who think life begins at conception should have to eat bread that's just uncooked flour and yeast powder
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 22, 2018
October 23
This comment on the daily mail website is still the funniest thing I've seen in my life pic.twitter.com/UxUkgedvOW
— Heretic 🌹 (@HereticHR) October 23, 2018
White people who traveled great distances to find prosperity were "pioneers." Brown people who do the same thing now are part of a "migrant caravan."
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) October 23, 2018
October 24
If you're covering someone else's love song don't change the pronouns you fucking coward. That song is about a man and you're gay for the next three minutes!!!
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 24, 2018
one time I was Jim Carrey's The Mask for Halloween but we couldn't afford a zoot suit so my mom just wrote "The Mask" on a turtle neck pic.twitter.com/vir5Nlo0ca
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) October 24, 2018
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 24, 2018
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
no one could have predicted that the party of Nazis, child molesters, wife beaters, income tax cheaters, pedophile wrestling coaches, compromised Russian assets, blackout-drunk rapist judges and bonesaw murder apologists would also be the party of deranged bomb-sending terrorists
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) October 24, 2018
October 25
Every now and then you get to use that expensive degree. https://t.co/Wmt7zGexV2
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 25, 2018
When I was like 11 I was getting bullied by this girl and my mom let me know she heard her parents were getting divorced and to tell her that neither of them wanted her which I did and it worked but like... mom
— Crunchy curled hair with straightened bangs (@victoriaxxviii) October 25, 2018
October 26
I thought baseball was boring, so I made the ball a beachball. Now I don't think it's boring anymore. pic.twitter.com/mMB8Rr3fLO
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 26, 2018
It's not often you can say the phrase "that's creepier than your average white van" pic.twitter.com/VnrBOKtMbc
— Sal Gentile (@salgentile) October 26, 2018
