May 25
Well, I gave y'all six years and someone who exploited five draft deferments was allowed to dishonor my service and bar people like me from uniform. https://t.co/8mcmRlOiZP
— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) May 25, 2019
Never too early to teach your children the classics pic.twitter.com/EzOxw2TxlL
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) May 26, 2019
Happy to announce I'm publishing a book of the stilted conversations I've had with my barber.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) May 25, 2019
May 26
Raptors win has the street crazier than the Inauguration #WeTheNorth pic.twitter.com/pUzJtAN6x4
— MercyGate (@mercygate01) May 26, 2019
A reminder that Drake has Curry and Durant tattoos pic.twitter.com/rFCuRdUz1b
— Dieter Kurtenbach (@dkurtenbach) May 26, 2019
The replies to this tweet are mood affff 😂 https://t.co/nOfTKvndZQ
— Melayna Williams (@MelaynaWilliams) May 26, 2019
When the person you're cheating off of finishes their test earlier: pic.twitter.com/3nCcoGe2ro
— rjS.✨ (@GoldOceanlll) May 26, 2019
KAWHI. DID. THIS. pic.twitter.com/3cnp8AAVSj
— angaelos (@angaelos_hanna) May 26, 2019
May 27
Kids putting their teeth under their pillows is the most occultist shit in the world. Yes, child, put the discarded bone under your pillow. if you are lucky the tiny demon will come and make her purchase. Sell your bones for riches, my child, your youth will be spent soon.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) May 27, 2019
this team has done so much good for the city, it's unreal. https://t.co/6A2eDOwcZY
— thomas williams (@nosalaryretaind) May 27, 2019
I don't know if this is anything but it seems like we had a better handle on Nazis and KKK guys when they could only get airtime on Jerry Springer
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) May 28, 2019
Here's a video of us exploiting a legal loophole. pic.twitter.com/BjbtpoEH8E
— Podcast But Outside (@PodButOutside) May 27, 2019
1: Want the body you have
— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) May 27, 2019
2: Dig up the body you want
3: Run
4: Hide the body you stole https://t.co/F0JDrE4az0
Who the fuck is afraid of adding a whole head of garlic to anything https://t.co/1uX3d3htmL
— Sophie (@jil_slander) May 27, 2019
May 28
"Okay, by switching the order of our first names, I think we can avoid putting any morbid associations in people's minds. Kurt?"
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 28, 2019
"I got a good deal on a previously owned van from the coroner's office." pic.twitter.com/rJLlTkGWS6
Have done this too many times .... 😴😴😴😴 Miss renting movies? Glad it's toast? #netflix #movies #rent #netflixandchill pic.twitter.com/uaneAmJfbc
— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) May 28, 2019
Do not disturb me if I have earbuds in. That means I'm listening to two comedians in their 50s talk about "Lorne"
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) May 28, 2019
Small bunch of people that continue to use twitter solely for jokes and likes. pic.twitter.com/dmg2Bv3HKV
— Mao'lana Spits (@antifatwa) May 28, 2019
1999: there are millions of websites all hyperlinked together
— David Masad (@badnetworker) May 28, 2019
2019: there are four websites, each filled with screenshots of the other three.
They were coaching the kid on how to get the poster off
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) May 28, 2019
It worked 😅
(via eli.cappalot, ricobanga_/IG) pic.twitter.com/F9ioFCT2UY
History's Most Stupid President wishes Japan, a country that caused 426,000 American casualties in WWII, a happy Memorial Day. pic.twitter.com/NW6OiQR6j8
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) May 28, 2019
me: *comes home past curfew*
— b (@hoegenic) May 28, 2019
the door: pic.twitter.com/fSdQYDuUCv
May 29
I'm sure Mueller leaving it to people to interpet his careful legal language will be effective on a country that still doesn't know they should vaccinate their kids
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) May 29, 2019
Raptors: we'll prioritize your health and make the NBA finals
— William Lou (@william_lou) May 29, 2019
Clippers: we'll have Lawrence frank stalk you all year and hold your logo hostage https://t.co/8I3xCLiJV1
HEARTWARMING- After being denied insurance this Teacher with cancer raised money with help of an ex student ♥️ pic.twitter.com/JcS3HuCiBY
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 29, 2019
We actually did a whole war about this one. It was in all the papers https://t.co/T2mp5nyDJa
— Ken Lowery (@kenlowery) May 29, 2019
May 30
This Guy 2020 pic.twitter.com/NTK9W49PfQ
— Talk, Dark & Sad (@cxcope) May 30, 2019
do you think men twitch so much in their sleep because their bodies can't handle not saying something stupid for that long so it finds another way to be annoying
— salad (@defnotsally) May 30, 2019
why is this video of a sea of elementary school kids going HAM to old town road literally the funniest video i've ever seen in my whole life pic.twitter.com/iXItFq50QG
— ari ➒ (@wasteIandbaby) May 30, 2019
If there was ever a reason to send an assistant to do something instead, this is it. pic.twitter.com/nj5f5RVkfV
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) May 30, 2019
Please just take a break from making new TV shows for, like, a year. Give us all time to catch up. I'm so fucking tired and I can't remember the last time I saw my family.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) May 30, 2019
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) May 31, 2019
I'm rooting for the team from the country that doesn't try to involve Me in every fucking thing it does. #Raptors #NBAFinals
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 31, 2019
May 31
I love MCA's response to the Cincinnati police chief calling the Beastie Boys' music "garbage" in 1987 pic.twitter.com/4FwR6llW1T
— Eric Harvey (@ericdharvey) May 31, 2019
the onion's done fucking around pic.twitter.com/o7LBoBDkm1
— bethamphetamine (@VirtuallyBeth) May 31, 2019
Freak on a lease pic.twitter.com/fYCbMYK7iu
— BG (@benxgoodall) May 31, 2019
IF ONLY WE'D LISTENED pic.twitter.com/96uWjlT69e
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) May 31, 2019
