I think she's at the wrong march pic.twitter.com/S1DpbkaXuR— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 24, 2018
[hands Tomi a Monistat] There's an easier way to fix that. pic.twitter.com/VnApXa5WHP— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 25, 2018
🎼FREEEE-WAY, TOOOO THE, HAZARD PLACE pic.twitter.com/35W46gEI1O— Jon Blair (@okjonblair) March 25, 2018
"You remind me of my mistresses." pic.twitter.com/v60aG5XtZM— Harold Itzkowitz (@HaroldItz) March 26, 2018
Will & Grace is brilliant because Will is so graceful and Grace is so willful. And Jack is so carin' and Karen is totally jacked. Plus, I've never seen it.— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) March 26, 2018
This tour really seems to be bringing out the dedicated fans. pic.twitter.com/kZhXaBFPe8— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) March 27, 2018
My professor makes you dance when you're late to his class. This is college. pic.twitter.com/LL7hIOgESv— vane (@_vvanee) March 26, 2018
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 27, 2018
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don't fall in love with your puppet.
A marriage is supposed to be between a man, his mistress, a rolled-up magazine, his lawyer, his daughter, his porn star, his publicist, his Russian dictator and his wife.— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) March 26, 2018
My favorite word in the English language is "Amen" because when I hear it I know you're finally done asking Me for stupid shit.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 28, 2018
Me after passing a large group of men by myself pic.twitter.com/FqZPmo4bCb— 𝔏𝔢𝔵𝔞𝔪𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔦𝔬𝔫 (@lexlugar_) March 27, 2018
i think a fight is about to break out in the subway i'm on pic.twitter.com/q1Mfod38S4— Gee (@woag_) March 27, 2018
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) March 28, 2018
BRAS DON'T FIT— Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) March 29, 2018
When You Put on a Bra, It Doesn't Fit
by Lauren O'Neal
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A bra is an item of clothing that, by definition, does not fit. The bra you're wearing right now doesn't fit, because all bras don't fit. That's just not something bras can do.
When you definitely know how politics works pic.twitter.com/3sygKLkzqe— jordan (@JordanUhl) March 28, 2018
People say Johnny Cash's "Hurt" cover is better than the original, but I never liked how he changed the lyrics: pic.twitter.com/YQgQN6zt2S— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural ~4 hours~ (@pixelatedboat) March 29, 2018
So it looks like Laura Ingraham has said something horrible overnight because I've woken up to a bunch of abusive mentions not intended for me once again— Lauren Ingram (@laureningram) March 29, 2018
This ruling is surprising but fair: pic.twitter.com/FtYof20Pt9— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural ~4 hours~ (@pixelatedboat) March 29, 2018
If you liked "Making a Murderer" and "Serial" then you will LOVE that I just killed someone and am now denying it— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) March 29, 2018