March 9
Me: I'm full of lust but I can't perform in bed
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 9, 2019
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
love to be 11 years old, married to my 17-year-old wife, with my 12-year-old son in tow, and absolutely all of us are dead pic.twitter.com/yMHm0jllVP
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 9, 2019
Gotta figure out how to monetize doing nothing but watching this for the rest of my life https://t.co/3GO5aJxFvy
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) March 9, 2019
Finally had a reason to text both my parents at the same time (back story: I am the child of a brief cuffing season fling) and I can't stop laughing at "Hi Al" and "Hi Barbara" Lololololol pic.twitter.com/6O1YqE443g
— Danez Smith (@Danez_Smif) March 10, 2019
Leaving Neverland. Hard to believe that a glow-in-the-dark skeleton who dressed like Napoleon and lived in an abandoned amusement park with other people's children and a feral chimp could have such a dark side.
— Dana Gould (@danagould) March 9, 2019
Here's the real #FakeMelania pic.twitter.com/4VF4fC8FSl
— Scott Williams (@jswilliams1962) March 9, 2019
March 10
what in the actual fuck https://t.co/mGznRGlpEU
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 10, 2019
Oh my god. pic.twitter.com/hcPdCtqTme
— Jason Sparks (@sparksjls) March 10, 2019
March 11
Remember when Samantha Bee called Ivanka a cunt and Tucker Carlson climbed up onto his high horse and talked about how wrong it was and how no man he knows would ever use that degrading word?
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 11, 2019
Shout out to the top 5 guns in the world, staple, jump the, son of a, Top and We've Only Just Be.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) March 11, 2019
Watching a fascinating documentary on the Discovery Channel: Nerds of Ancient Egypt pic.twitter.com/UESTWreUFS
— Al Yankovic (@alyankovic) March 12, 2019
March 12
Me walking into class if my parents bribed a college to get me in pic.twitter.com/15X7wV2y95
— Trey (@treydayway) March 12, 2019
here's my impression of the engineer who was in the studio with Fat Joe that day pic.twitter.com/21S7ez7BqX
— flirt russell (@caitiedelaney) March 12, 2019
Very on-brand LA vs. NY headlines today pic.twitter.com/R4lK43zl8k
— Ally Hord (@hordie) March 12, 2019
Imagine working at the FBI and everyone around you is uncovering crimes by the President, and you get assigned to wiretap Aunt Becky for trying to get her dumb kid into college
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 12, 2019
did any one else just assume that celebrities paid to get their kids into college and are shocked that it's actually illegal
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019
March 13
Facebook is down and there's, like, nowhere to have my data stolen. I'm just wandering the streets trying to hand people old photos of my dead grandmother.
— Nick Amadeus (@NickAmadeus) March 13, 2019
Women tend to have way more interesting scandals than men. Dudes usually get in trouble because they were horny or they were angry. We get in trouble because we start a fake blood company or pay $500k to get our kid on a rowing team.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) March 13, 2019
March 14
Bruh WHAT 😭 pic.twitter.com/lBuMEGeFHS
— Boa (@amittaizamora) March 14, 2019
Biden 2020: "Let's do 9/11 again" https://t.co/Ubu6xsmcOR
— Pixelated Boat: The Junior Novelization (@pixelatedboat) March 14, 2019
a security guard read my shirt and asked me what my favorite flavor is, i told him it's italian renaissance pic.twitter.com/hVSUin8UMg
— e•li•za (@LAPlDOT) March 14, 2019
March 15
"Please don't bring politics into this tragedy in which the perpetrator was clearly inspired by my politics."
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 15, 2019
Your nerd name is your first name + your last name, nerd.
— David Venhuizen (@David_Venhuizen) March 15, 2019
