July 7
Clifford the Big Red Dog has 2 adjectives and his species in his title and they are all unnecessary because if you live near a mutant dog named Clifford you will not possibly be talking about another Clifford.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) July 7, 2018
here's my new professional resume! pic.twitter.com/4aDmSgEr4r
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 7, 2018
July 8
Tonight when I was serving an old lady told me 'it's a shame you have your ears pierced because you're such a handsome young man' yeah well idk how to tell you this ma'am but chances are your granddaughters nipples taste like quarters so do you want ranch w your wings or what
— Croft F. Bauer (@CroftBauer) July 9, 2018
Johnny Depp is short for Jonathan Depression
— 🐶💃 (@liv_actually) July 8, 2018
July 9
me: i think tha—
— Angela Vang (@angvaj) July 10, 2018
a white man: it's honestly like, so important that we prioritize the voices of the women of color in this room. i just want to voice that bc our society teaches white men to take up space. it's important that we make use of our privilege. my ex was actually blac
Found a LeBron statue in Paris pic.twitter.com/O7xZxMsvpU
— Kerith Burke (@KerithBurke) July 9, 2018
I just realized ghosting is the opposite of haunting
— hieronymus thot (@NatalieZed) July 9, 2018
July 10
Elon Musk was 100% the kid who wouldn't hand over the game controller because he insisted on showing you "something cool" but never delivered.
— chris (@garflyf) July 11, 2018
July 11
Your profile picture and a photo you're tagged in. pic.twitter.com/yspLn2JyFe
— Paul Bronks (@BoringEnormous) July 11, 2018
Today as I was walking home after my run I saw a large lemon rolling down the hill. It kept rolling for about a quarter mile. And now you can see it, too. pic.twitter.com/dQoHi4RrXS
— Mike Sakasegawa (@sakeriver) July 11, 2018
This was my sex ed teacher in 1998 pic.twitter.com/o0XizrsKm1
— Nick Flanagan (@theflans) July 11, 2018
Me: I hope no-one finds out about my secret stash of household pets
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) July 11, 2018
Wife: Oh...I might have let the cat out of the bag
Me: {starts sweating} fuck, did you see where it went?
July 12
Another night laying awake thinking about a possible reality where British people spell it "jhorts" instead of "jorts".
— Siobhan Özege (@sigh__oh) July 13, 2018
if i was a professional dominatrix i'd advertise myself as "pro pain and pro pain accessories" and my company would be called kink of the hill
— Anica Cihla (@AnicaCihla) July 12, 2018
thank you goodbye forever
I left explicit instructions in my will to make my awful neighbor Gary a pallbearer. Also no one can tell him he's the only one. Please select a Temple with the longest hallway you can find and stare disapprovingly as he tries to respectfully drag my casket down it.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) July 12, 2018
July 13
Frankly it rules that every terrible politician is being forced to release a statement like "Sacha Baron Cohen presented himself as an authentic Italian race car driver and tricked me into saying what I did about the Jews"
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 13, 2018
Googled "how to pack in 1 hour" for 45min, now I have the remaining 15 to really put it to the test
— Jhanelle Dennis (@JhanelleDennis) July 13, 2018
