December 29
2019 is the year I finally go big with my theory that the guy from the Counting Crows is just Marc Maron in a wig pic.twitter.com/eVyqsFTYKY
— Kyle Daly (@dalykyle) December 29, 2018
One day we're gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) December 29, 2018
Today is Ted Danson's birthday.
— Is Today Ted Danson's Birthday? (@TedDansonBDay) December 29, 2018
December 30
Me: "Whose bra is that?"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 30, 2018
Daughter: "Mine."
Me: "Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?"
Daughter: "I took it off to eat."
Hello, general note of polite Twitter decorum - if you don't like a TV show/film/book/album etc, PLEASE DON'T @ the creator and tell them. It's incredibly aggressive, hurtful, selfish and destructive. If we want to know what people think, we will search for it ourselves. Thanks!
— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) December 30, 2018
19th century doctor: What do you want?
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) December 30, 2018
Me: Just f**k me up fam.
19th century doctor: Say no more. pic.twitter.com/Fx5grEeSOR
dr pepper is a woman
— viking (@NOTVIKING) December 30, 2018
Stock markets explained in 15 secs. pic.twitter.com/HmrWQP0AAK
— Savio Shetty (@abeautifulmind7) December 30, 2018
This is truly quite a website pic.twitter.com/RBoCHs8LLD
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 30, 2018
December 31
I try my best to get people's pronouns right AND I finger fuck whenever I want. I have time for both because I'm not busy sexually harassing and silencing my coworkers!
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) December 31, 2018
Kevin Spacey: I want to end 2018 with the most disgusting comeback attempt of the year
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 31, 2018
Louis CK: Hold my penis
I fucking love that "Dennis Miller" is trending purely because he's the go-to insult for comedians who were good once but have disappeared up their own moldy, pallid assholes.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) December 31, 2018
it's officially december 31st you know what that means pic.twitter.com/zi2Pjl0wQs
— sage (@aprilnhouston) December 31, 2018
As a symbolic homage to how incompetent we are, America starts each year by dropping a ball.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) January 1, 2019
lmao what pic.twitter.com/0t46q989i2
— jordan (@JordanUhl) January 1, 2019
Three years ago, when Fox News let Donald Trump do its New Year's Eve countdown: pic.twitter.com/eE6zSdwIun
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 1, 2019
The new darling of conservatives is the guy who
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) December 31, 2018
[spins wheel]
Forced women to watch him jerk it. Conservatives are defending him after he
[spins wheel]
Mocked school shooting survivors
January 1
If you say "happy new years," you are an assholes. ❤️
— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) January 1, 2019
Wow brave op-ed from Mitt Romney pic.twitter.com/mD273muPqL
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) January 2, 2019
When he matches your energy 😍🥳pic.twitter.com/RvCCM3Tm4t
— Blair Waldorf (@AllOfTheeAbov) January 1, 2019
If all you racist anti-semitic woman-hating muthafuckers are so distraught over my tweets, why the fuck are you following me? Cuz you're dumb af. (that means *as fuck).
— Ellen Barkin (@EllenBarkin) January 2, 2019
Hello, I'm a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
— Rory Turnbull (@_roryturnbull) January 1, 2019
The modern-day "For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn" https://t.co/JXOW9loZAA
— Sean O'Neal (@seanoneal) January 2, 2019
Pixar movie about all the items TSA confiscates.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) January 2, 2019
January 2
Every time Mitt Romney trends I feel like I'm morally obligated to share this video of him ironing his clothes while they are still on his body pic.twitter.com/JFjn6Zk3OF
— Remy Carreiro (@Remy_Anne) January 2, 2019
The holiday season is —finally —over let's get back to beng ourselves pic.twitter.com/zCqXpcRW4n
— Stephen malkmus (@dronecoma) January 2, 2019
It's always sad when a comedian gets old and isn't funny anymore. Few avoid this. But what if there was a comedian who not only didn't lose it, but instead became funnier everyday, every day until his last. There was one. And now there is not. Bob Einstein is gone. I loved him.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) January 2, 2019
This was unexpected
— laney (@misslaneym) January 2, 2019
pic.twitter.com/yAhkigEyWF
Doesn't look like this squirrels first egg roll #whatisnewyork pic.twitter.com/Heo30oe8w3
— WhatIsNewYork (@whatisny) January 2, 2019
I'd watch a 12-hour episode of Drunk History in which Trump, stone-cold sober, explains the past 50 years in foreign affairs
— Allahpundit (@allahpundit) January 2, 2019
Today when I was making breakfast the peanut butter came out on the knife looking like... this. pic.twitter.com/uAFCAMJqdH
— Rob Hatch-Miller (@robhatchmiller) January 2, 2019
then C+C Music Factory will have won pic.twitter.com/RWpWhO0jWR
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) January 2, 2019
TSN's Facebook page is something else pic.twitter.com/gOLlj0KM5V
— Jake Goldsbie (@JGoldsbie) January 3, 2019
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
— Terry F (@daemonic3) January 2, 2019
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
January 3
Coachella poster font is my annual eye exam
— Jill Krajewski (@JillKrajewski) January 3, 2019
Wow, I don't think anyone expected this headliner pic.twitter.com/b426cZaY1H
— new year's resolution: never log off (@pixelatedboat) January 3, 2019
Jerk 😡 pic.twitter.com/qL7QcflFjN
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 3, 2019
Dude did the 1950s Joker laugh after knocking a cop down pic.twitter.com/1SzP8QoOks
— oxygen palms (@abcdefghijkLMAO) January 4, 2019
This looks like Blue Man Group got sprayed with a hose and had to escape through a Men's Wearhouse. https://t.co/YJWObi6S9u
— Kibblesmith ☃️ (@kibblesmith) January 3, 2019
Worst SNL sketch ever. "This is what happens when you blow up the planet!" (Silence) pic.twitter.com/BZS9FcMPxE
— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) January 3, 2019
Toronto Life Article Ideas
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) January 3, 2019
- Meet the lucky Toronto boy who got crushed by a Lexus
- Gout: how the disease of kings conquered The 6
- Meet the astronomer who believes there's a Yorkville in space
- Smell hell: the Toronto teens addicted to lampe berger
- photo essay of graffiti
The second best Radiohead album pic.twitter.com/0Q09EPosiS
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) January 3, 2019
if u don't want to have sex tell ur boyfriend he can show u how to scramble ur computer's VPN.....this feels the same 2 them
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) January 4, 2019
It's certainly a big day for Nancy Pecongresscongress Today Todaylosi pic.twitter.com/Hz7DstK5tz
— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) January 3, 2019
January 4
Some more jokes about an uncomfortable subject.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) January 4, 2019
I look forward to you using this to berate me about my ignorance and show everyone how righteous you are. pic.twitter.com/RdmT18EDyc
ocasio-cortez is so dumb
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) January 4, 2019
if she had been raping instead of dancing in high school she could have been a supreme court justice
