January 19
"SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER" pic.twitter.com/4B1QxDzo5c
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) January 19, 2019
We regret that the teens menaced a native elder instead of what they were sent there to do: demand women be forced into reproductive slavery pic.twitter.com/yv7ZEjJUyd
— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) January 19, 2019
January 20
Gimme the beat boys and free my soul
— sapph infection (@akatookey) January 21, 2019
I wanna get shot from a grassy knoll
I'm JFK
When you see this blatant anti-moon propaganda, consider the source https://t.co/hgI9w2iNAK
— Lance St. Laurent (@LanceStLaurent) January 21, 2019
is there a more powerful symbol of generational change than Aaron Sorkin criticising AOC for not compromising as much as a West Wing character while she blithely goes on a Donkey Kong Twitch stream for trans rights
— Aisling McCrea (@ambientGillian) January 21, 2019
when I go to the book store to buy a dictionary but they sell me a thesaurus https://t.co/54veY5i97V
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 20, 2019
January 21
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he's saying "That one's for you, international space station"
— Not a lawyer (@InternetHippo) January 21, 2019
A dance-off for the ages broke out in Philly ... 🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/ivTJJsN73r
— NBA on TNT (@NBAonTNT) January 22, 2019
As a heads up, if you are talking and this is how people are looking at you...you are not saying good things pic.twitter.com/MuOmV44ZK6
— KB (@KaraRBrown) January 22, 2019
I've watched this a thousand times and it just keeps getting funnier. pic.twitter.com/83imPv1lS1
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 21, 2019
January 22
Huge missed opportunity pic.twitter.com/axpzLFheiw
— nathan fielder (@nathanfielder) January 22, 2019
Publicist: Please interview this band
— Stephen Carlick (@stephencarlick) January 22, 2019
Publicist: Please interview this band
Publicist: Please interview this band
Publicist: Please interview this band
Publicist: Please interview this band
Me: Okay sure
Publicist: Oh cool yeah k lemme see if they're doing interviews
Westworld robot explains how apologies are not part of its core programming. pic.twitter.com/4mBhOuhZmM
— Jamie O'Grady 🤔 (@JamieOGrady) January 22, 2019
Not to play devil's advocate here but it must have been pretty scary for all of these white dudes to be suddenly confronted with rhythm pic.twitter.com/mPs6KJBR5T
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 23, 2019
like watching picasso paint pic.twitter.com/gYGGnqjytW
— The Ultimate Worrier (@maggieserota) January 22, 2019
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 22, 2019
If you write an indie dramedy where a guy is sad about a lady, and you don't have a scene of him playing racquetball with his heaviest friend, you go to prison
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) January 22, 2019
January 23
Arguing on Twitter 🔊 pic.twitter.com/4fnIZJw9Me
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) January 23, 2019
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and still isn't as sensitive as a white man on the Internet
— Xlayre (@xlayre) January 23, 2019
how are people out here with no therapy not taking any prescribed or illicit drugs just raw dogging reality
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) January 23, 2019
January 24
What would you do if your son was at home..... and he broke your slow cooker and ate the entire pork shoulder you were slow cooking for a dinner party? Also, your son is a dog.
— Heather Macdonald (@heather_mariko) January 24, 2019
My wife just said "I'm fine" and "Do whatever you want" in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y'all know the reason.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) January 24, 2019
January 25
Ann Coulter is so thoroughly disgusted with Trump that she can't even park straight. pic.twitter.com/AFUvZU0Szk
— Linda Childers (@lindachilders1) January 25, 2019
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) January 25, 2019
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Lunchables groomed us for charcuterie boards
— Harrison (@prodbyharrison) January 26, 2019
"furloughed FBI agents volunteered to arrest roger stone" is the funniest sentence in the english language
— aída chávez (@aidachavez) January 25, 2019
