[last day of creative writing class]— alien skier 👽👽👽 (@ClichedOut) January 5, 2019
"Are u ready to name your band?"
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Here's Trump using cun*t in public... also [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], a$$, bull$hit, $hit, pu$$y, and saying he has "sex" in common with daughter Ivanka.— Bryan Dawson (@BryanDawsonUSA) January 5, 2019
Spare me your conservative "civility." Hypocrites all. You worship this. You are complicit.pic.twitter.com/0tJBNnOdYb
Your Smiths album name is the mildest complaint you had about the last dining experience you had outside of your home. Mine is The Potatoes Weren't All I Expected— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) January 5, 2019
"Ladies leave your man at home, the club is full of ballers and they pockets full grown" -Destiny's Child verse 26 chapter 12 https://t.co/JPeoDVZZfV— bLAKE (@SaddyBey) January 5, 2019
in france it's called men https://t.co/nmwlvP3gNA— ju ✨ acab (@sheeratson) January 5, 2019
You have never made anything come https://t.co/eXF2rSc7uX— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 6, 2019
in college we named our intramural softball team "NO GAME SCHEDULED" because if the other team didn't show up they lost their league deposit and— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) January 6, 2019
forfeited. it worked several times. everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.
I like watching an actor spend their entire career doing American accents and the second they win award it's like "FANK YOU AND FANK 'VYONE 'HO 'ELPED ME"— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 7, 2019
I'm so sick of old rich white men.— Ryan Stiles (@WhoseRyanStiles) January 6, 2019
Except you Drew Carey.
Thank you for my house.
"What a rollercoaster of character development!" pic.twitter.com/7tpPQLKfVG— Fluff Society (@FluffSociety) January 6, 2019
y'all ... this is how my little brother came out to my mom in 2015 & I've still got it stuck in my head pic.twitter.com/S6n5KdzWZe— Ally Shepherd (@allyshepp) January 6, 2019
having too many tabs open is an age-old problem pic.twitter.com/TAustEZZSC— Sara Yasin 🙅🏻 (@sarayasin) January 7, 2019
I LOVE IKEA BECAUSE WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET AN AFFORDABLE DESK THAT WILL REVEAL EVERY FLAW IN YOUR PERSONALITY BY THE TIME IT IS ASSEMBLED— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) January 7, 2019
So this lady came in this morning and walked up to the front desk to greet us before gasping loudly and saying "I forgot my dog"— khyamii from 79th ⛈ (@itsKhyamii) January 7, 2019
She forgot to bring her dog with her
To the VET
dogs lick us because they know we have bones inside n they want em— ism*** (@ishcasa) January 7, 2019
absolutely losing it at this guy's website pic.twitter.com/7WYuaiSBrS— wheels (@wheelswordsmith) January 7, 2019
There are numerous examples of presidential addresses made to calm a frightened public. This will be the first to frighten a calm public.— stuart stevens (@stuartpstevens) January 8, 2019
I guess the best way to explain my relationship with my mom is that when I was in high school she told me that if I swallowed cum and was murdered, "they'll announce your stomach contents on the news and everyone will know."— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) January 8, 2019
Only in the UK. pic.twitter.com/rKsaNC0SPt— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) January 8, 2019
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced after realizing that marriage counts as a union.— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) January 9, 2019
What the fresh hell. This is REAL. Filmed in 1958- about a conman who grifts a small town of suckers into building a wall. History not subtle enough for you? GUESS THE GRIFTER'S NAME— Alex Hirsch (@_AlexHirsch) January 9, 2019
(And watch until the end) pic.twitter.com/6FA3p6KC00
TSA has officially stopped giving a fuck. SICKO MODE (dirty version) is playing on the speakers at JFK lmfaooo— lsdipalma (@LSDiPalma) January 9, 2019
"Dude, if your ancestors can take our land, then why can't you take a joke? At least the joke was given willingly."— Genie Lauren-Bezos (@MoreAndAgain) January 10, 2019
BRUH! LMAO! pic.twitter.com/wZQCIkEove
MVP update pic.twitter.com/6pMNa6lcM6— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) January 10, 2019
Oh man, once Trump gets his wall he better hope no one shows Mexico this old video we found. pic.twitter.com/FtzeGlmecz— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) January 10, 2019
This is not an apology, and it is also...not an accurate description of an onion. pic.twitter.com/gkoLuBp5vq— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 10, 2019
god bless this shortened url https://t.co/qFfV28uZQI— Rachel "The Yellow Dart" Feltman (@RachelFeltman) January 10, 2019
I missed my flight and it was 4 hours until the next so this is what I did pic.twitter.com/BPHMU9q5km— lil hunny (@katiemgould) January 10, 2019
This comb-over is so outrageous it's kind of baller pic.twitter.com/QVHs8nGH58— Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) January 10, 2019
Jeff Bezos sexts like he's an AI in a human suit pic.twitter.com/UjfOQv0UZk— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 10, 2019
Sure but the Star Wars prequels start with a *checks notes* trade war. https://t.co/iVLnNzCjaT— Connor O'Brien (@connorobrienNH) January 11, 2019
I think we've had enough of the President running the government like one of his businesses.— Mark Warner (@MarkWarner) January 11, 2019
Try F'n Chantix. pic.twitter.com/qBOJdy806e— kyle Dunnigan (@kyledunnigan) January 11, 2019
New party, who dis? https://t.co/2cznisv8tB— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) January 11, 2019
AOC is going to tweet about anime and this site will be unusable for two hours— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 11, 2019
People keep asking why my special isn't on Netflix let me beak it down easy.— Ronald Funches (@RonFunches) January 11, 2019
Comedy Central 💰 💰 💰
My son don't eat exposure.
Go buy it on iTunes for 3 bucks ya cheap ho.