February 9
Pizza types:
— joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) February 9, 2019
NY - flaccid, greasy
Chicago - thick, confused
California - probiotic brewers yeast cheese
Colorado - 100% weed
Florida - wet and weird
Canada - frozen, syrupy
Texas - too big, hidden by a hat
Oregon - 90% weed, 10% troublesome politics
Kentucky - illegal, too sexual
r u fcukin kidding me https://t.co/DsU3JBtrRO
— phil matarese (@philorphilip) February 9, 2019
when you win a world series and a super bowl in a 3 month period but you're still the whiniest fan base on the face of the planet https://t.co/KbBk3f7jYD
— this website is destroying me (but on vacation) (@oldlinds) February 10, 2019
"What do we want?"
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 9, 2019
"Our kids to die!"
"When do we want it?"
"Unexpectedly, from a preventable 19th-century steamship disease!" https://t.co/7PBZax8mQB
Scientist (hopping into time machine in 1939): See ya, suckers! I'm off to 2019, where no one is arguing about Hitler, the Earth being flat, blackface, vaccines or concentration camps!
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 9, 2019
February 10
"I'm anti vaxxing" - Dracula explaining he likes a full bush
— ollink (@dulcetry) February 10, 2019
SNL sketch: Hello I am Nancy Pelosi
— Relatable Brand (@InternetHippo) February 10, 2019
Me: Lmao that's someone I recognize from the news
to everyone hating on SNL so much: you try working with 30 other people to come up with ~40 minutes of funny material every week and you have no other commitments and it's your full-time job and it pays pretty good. not as easy as it looks.
— josiah hughes 🐇 (@josiahhughes) February 10, 2019
me discussing the same gossip in two group chats at once pic.twitter.com/pgGpmIsqig
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 11, 2019
A ninja must see underneath the underneath. pic.twitter.com/vasqGZk2wV
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) February 10, 2019
Alicia Keys always seems like an eccentric lounge singer on a boat cruise who stumbles into solving mysteries
— Ira (@ira) February 11, 2019
February 11
What's funny about the Grammys is it's all the songs I vaguely recognize from spin class and I previously had no idea who sang them.
— natasha lyonne (@nlyonne) February 11, 2019
I claim "9 to 5" as rap music. Dolly was barred up.
— Craig Bro Dude (@CraigSJ) February 11, 2019
Actor Realizes He Would Prefer To Work Again https://t.co/vm3gcjvS8k
— Quinn Cummings (@quinncy) February 11, 2019
Magician's Headstone: Now You Don't
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) February 11, 2019
El Paso, Texas.
— Michael Skolnik (@MichaelSkolnik) February 12, 2019
Beto O'Rourke: 15,000 people.
Donald Trump: 6,500 people.
Women lie.
Men lie.
Numbers don't.
I quit drinking coffee back in December for health reasons, so here's my thinkpiece on living my best life without caffeine:
— Eric Smith (@ericsmithrocks) February 11, 2019
I've wanted to murder everyone for the past two months and still do.
That's it. That's the post. Thank you.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 11, 2019
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Trying to automate any task ever pic.twitter.com/xySDgABFK6
— Jon Christian (@Jon_Christian) February 11, 2019
February 12
Nick Nurse: We need to light a fire under Kawhi before the playoffs.
— Andy (@_rallycap) February 12, 2019
Masai: Sounds like you need...
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
GASOL LIN
YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH#WeTheNorth
Sliding into Monday like... pic.twitter.com/LhBOa58xJi
— Kelly Greig (@KellyGreig) February 12, 2019
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) February 13, 2019
wife: what's he doing
me: oh, there's a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i... just... told you?
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— Jeff May @ Long Beach Comic Expo (@heytherejeffro) February 12, 2019
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February 13
If what? https://t.co/4ZYDpUH9IM
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 13, 2019
"The funny thing is, while I don't care for The Doors, I love a lot of the bands inspired by The Doors. Echo and the Bunnymen. Joy Division. The Teardrop Explodes. I could keep going, but the point remains..." pic.twitter.com/LqUbM1DEff
— The Ultimate Worrier (@maggieserota) February 13, 2019
There is a remarkably comfortable room in hell for people who misspell your name back to you when it's spelled correctly at the end of your email to them
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 14, 2019
In 2006, Jack Dorsey was just a simple man with a big dream: to build a website that gives everyone depression
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) February 14, 2019
Best headline ever https://t.co/LZ3MdI3wbE
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 14, 2019
We stan an Assman https://t.co/gkIkGdCEpX
— What A Time To Be Alive (@whatatimepod) February 13, 2019
Regina King's life just flashed before her eyes pic.twitter.com/YPLAwjyR6E
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) February 14, 2019
February 14
IF WE DON'T LET MEN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO OTHER PEOPLE WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY THERE WILL NEVER BE MALE GENIUSES AGAIN is a hell of a take to have in the year two thousand and nineteen pic.twitter.com/4lc7C8th1g
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) February 14, 2019
Nobody supports you like a social media friend that you never met.
— 4k (@therealhafeez) February 14, 2019
happy valentine's day!!! do you believe in love??? these galapagos tortoises dated for almost 100 years and then they broke up and now they hate each other and no one knows why https://t.co/X3fWVW2RDw
— cara giaimo (@cjgiaimo) February 14, 2019
roses are red
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) February 15, 2019
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
What happened? 😂 pic.twitter.com/z3bet66Mvg
— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) February 15, 2019
February 15
pro tip, kids: remember, when declaring a national emergency, it's always best to close with "I didn't need to do this" and then go golfing
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) February 15, 2019
I ❤️ MY second grader president! pic.twitter.com/OhRwKwNRDr
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) February 15, 2019
Oh no, just like the Manic Street Preachers warned us. pic.twitter.com/CdqzmDRaTC
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) February 15, 2019
