A pug gets an x-ray, a cat plays "Still D.R.E.," a dubious record involving Chick-Fil-A, the president is closer to being taken away and much more from this week in funny tweets.

December 14

I love this app. pic.twitter.com/rmKGmfXZsb
— York Whitaker (@YorkWhitaker) December 14, 2019

got em pic.twitter.com/RpJ19uRztm
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 15, 2019

Novel written by men "her hair fell in immaculate waves from where it was gathered, high on the crown of her head," okay pal first off that's a ponytail my dude calm down
— Gheistdamme (@RivkaGheist) December 14, 2019

Huh pic.twitter.com/7Lx4latOMT
— Author of "The Piety and the Penance" (@neonwario) December 14, 2019

December 15

It's the D-R-E pic.twitter.com/2KJ4pgVipY
— David Lewis (@davidclewis) December 15, 2019

Your teeth are fake.
Your skin-color's fake.
Your annual physical's fake.
Your bone-spurs are fake.
Your taxes are fake.
Your Time Magazine covers are fake.
Your charity's fake.
Your university's fake.
Your hair looks like a big bowl of Chinese, "Bird's Nest Soup."

Take a seat. https://t.co/gCzhjQsbyp
— Ana Navarro-Cárdenas (@ananavarro) December 15, 2019

🎶 Hey there Delilah... a thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
— not brendan (@crocodilethumbs) December 15, 2019

So this honor definitely belongs to Viola Davis who took home a Tony, an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and an Oscar all in one decade... THIS DECADE.

But go off, I guess. https://t.co/1MNk2KRYBa
— Linda Lovelace (@HouseOfJCurtis) December 15, 2019

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a "-1" where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
— Max Barth❄️ (@HeIsMaxBarth) December 15, 2019

December 16

wait, are all of these actors doing marvel movies just to get in shape?!?
— shalewa sharpe is OUT HERE now! (@silkyjumbo) December 16, 2019

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I'm just playing Chumbawamba's 1997 hit "Tubthumping" over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app. pic.twitter.com/jqhbOLdddQ
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 17, 2019

buddy the only "dm"s I'M sliding into is a big ol can of del monte corn!!
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 17, 2019

Introducing the best chair in the world pic.twitter.com/Zfk0bVcahE
— Len (@lennyvandross) December 16, 2019

One of the funniest basketball sequences you'll see 😂😂
pic.twitter.com/ga1WJyVt4c
— Brad Ballislife (@BradBallisLife) December 16, 2019

My dogs face when I go back in the house after I forgot something pic.twitter.com/uIQKWZTbzN
— Baby Yoda™ (@BossBabyYoda) December 16, 2019

Harold and Kumar go to Planet Fitness https://t.co/Kx7aquptgP
— Simu Liu (@SimuLiu) December 16, 2019

I don't believe women who love abs, "YUM his ABS😛💦!!" is the shit 13 y/o girls say when they wanna pretend they're grown ups who do COOOL SHIT like have jobs, smoke & act horny, before they hit 16 & realize they really just wanna feed soup to guys who look like dying baby birds
— Jake Paul Sartre (@PissJugTycoon) December 17, 2019

December 17

When you try to keep your feet dry.. pic.twitter.com/xgkgmeZAhW
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) December 17, 2019

universal versus means-tested social welfare programs pic.twitter.com/JdENLdaioc
— Micah Uetricht 🌹 (@micahuetricht) December 17, 2019

nah the record is six days https://t.co/WL6G8lqzZm
— Harry Lyles Jr. (@harrylylesjr) December 17, 2019

My friend's pug went to the vet pic.twitter.com/kP4r5o4ZOQ
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 17, 2019

It's been a weird couple of days... https://t.co/nUIuVrE7ax
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 17, 2019

9:30
Breakfast

12:30
Lunch

2:30 - 730
A constant, immeasurable flow of increasingly horrible snacks

8:00
Dinner
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) December 17, 2019

Smooth criminal pic.twitter.com/ShTCkBRG2M
— Theo🕊 (@CucumberTonic) December 17, 2019

Why does Marvel make comedians get jacked, instead of just teaching the already-jacked guys to say their scripts' hilarious jokes such as "uh that's gonna leave a mark"?
— simply having a sara mchenry time (@yellowcardigan) December 17, 2019

being a convicted sex criminal was alright but how dare he SNITCH https://t.co/lgzAQpxD9T
— YG Magnum (@HaroldBingo) December 17, 2019

Never go up against the best. https://t.co/Dm9r8DJZUE
— Dave Anthony (@daveanthony) December 17, 2019

Me at 1am making myself a whole meal while everyone asleep pic.twitter.com/7kf64UuVBi
— Lance 🇱🇨 (@Kinglrg_) December 17, 2019

world class syntax error right here https://t.co/U1vxhywaKE
— Rafi ~little a~ Letzter (@RafiLetzter) December 17, 2019

December 18

in all fairness to him both Grindr and Arby's claim to 'have the meats' https://t.co/j8inyeCq5w
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) December 18, 2019

did an asteroid write this https://t.co/5ViuOlacMQ
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) December 19, 2019

Someone in their late 20's has now seen two rigged electoral college presidential elections, an illegal war, the longest war, a financial collapse to rival the Depression, and now two impeachments
— ghost of labor future (@shocks) December 19, 2019

He's a fraud, and always has been. https://t.co/NfsnxxkC2g
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) December 18, 2019

Star Wars Episode IX: Okay Fine We'll Let All Those Angry Weirdos From The Internet Have The Dumb Fucking Movie They Want
— pixelatedboat aka "mr christmas" (@pixelatedboat) December 18, 2019

"I'm the Captain now" pic.twitter.com/wm77Y1qoGp
— wHyZgUy (@_WhyzGuy_) December 18, 2019

Young kid on the train blasting 50 Cent
While woman tells him "turn off that rap"
Dude starts blasting Frank Sinatra, singing mad loudly & told her "you ain't think I had that heat did you!" 😂😂
— Ted Mosby (@SoSo__Def) December 18, 2019

December 19

when guys are like "i'm not gonna be able to cum with a condom on" it's like, ok, cool. sorry to hear that. i'm probably not gonna be able to cum at all, so i guess we'll get through this together.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) December 19, 2019

this is also how my exes describe me https://t.co/OCfKcbgagw
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 19, 2019

"Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he's finally out of office!"

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

"Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he's removed from office go take a college course"
— Mike (@ProgPro) December 19, 2019

Adam Sandler threw me a dime today pic.twitter.com/a5R4JDscT7
— ≠ (@SenseiSigh) December 20, 2019

In this instance, Impeachment is you and ya homegirls having all the evidence that ya man is cheating but to break up with him you gotta convince a jury of his frat brothers (who was there with him cheating) that your man is a cheater https://t.co/DPL0TFDwJ8
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) December 19, 2019

I'm not going back home to Canada this holiday season but that doesn't mean you shouldn't buy my new holiday album where I sing songs about the 63 Ossington bus in Toronto
pic.twitter.com/vphjKnzBhk
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) December 19, 2019

I'd be the youngest woman ever inaugurated. #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/7Wsn5fAkRo
— Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) December 20, 2019

I like Andrew Yang the best because I'm a big fan of 1000 dollars. Always have been.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) December 20, 2019

December 20

just wait for Robert Williams' answer. it's worth it. pic.twitter.com/keEg2UDlXJ
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) December 21, 2019

This is the best thing you will see all day. I promise. pic.twitter.com/leNL2oiaIc
— Marc D'Amico (@Marc_DAmico) December 21, 2019

What the fuck is going on at The View pic.twitter.com/JRTHrxWQ8b
— Steve Morris (@stevemorris__) December 20, 2019

Getting into movie trivia pic.twitter.com/nOaWx5QsJb
— Kompromatthew (@MattTheGweat) December 21, 2019

The President who paid hush money to a porn star over an affair he had while his third wife nursed his fifth child and admitted on camera, in front of a live audience that he's never asked God's forgiveness for anything is trying to give a religion lecture to...Christianity Today
— Robert Maguire (@RobertMaguire_) December 20, 2019

Forcing my dying grandfather to watch Die Hard and read years of wry social media posts so we can debate whether it is in fact a Christmas movie. He keeps muttering "I don't care" and feigning death to get me to leave, but his pulse machine betrays him. A great man.
— MARK LITTLE VERY GOOD (@markmarklittle) December 20, 2019

More disrespectful than any Steph shimmy pic.twitter.com/Tpdblg6sK8
— Wells P (@Wells_P) December 20, 2019

She just deleted this and I will never stop laughing pic.twitter.com/7tTVwjneCg
— molly (@isteintraum) December 21, 2019

This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 20, 2019

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