I'm no brain surgeon, but that stranger I just performed brain surgery on ain't lookin' so hot— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) April 15, 2018
Amber had time. pic.twitter.com/pgiW01wYQs— The God of Women is Autonomy (@Les_The_Great) April 14, 2018
The new Wes Anderson film looks bad pic.twitter.com/63rnflr1PG— Dusty (@DustinGiebel) April 15, 2018
this is still the funniest thing ever pic.twitter.com/I4b2WWTzyE— lu🥀 stuDYING (@hanleiarey) April 14, 2018
can't stop laughing at this perfect facebook comment pic.twitter.com/ttMEjcwIeN— julie lauren vick (@lila_engel) April 15, 2018
A story in two Tweets: pic.twitter.com/Fh21RfHaT4— Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) April 15, 2018
Could you imagine loving and raising a child only to have that child record a live concert on their phone?— Cole M. Sprouse (@colesprouse) April 15, 2018
Woman on plane retrieving her luggage in the overhead:— Tony Hawk (@tonyhawk) April 16, 2018
"Who's skateboard is this? It's blocking my bag"
me: that's mine, you can pass it here
her: "It's yours? You ride it?
her: "Are you any good at it?"
her: cackles maniacally, exits plane
good work, everybody pic.twitter.com/Df5yrfM9Wm— lafix (@lafix) April 17, 2018
Sean Hannity makes $36 million per year.— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) April 17, 2018
He goes on air to tell people not to trust "elites."
He has the same lawyer as the President of the United States.
HOT DAMN SOMEONE FINALLY NUTSHELLED IT pic.twitter.com/ogYTnXaWMM— EastCoast (@Gw1Valentine) April 16, 2018
what stage of capitalism is this pic.twitter.com/0RtStV78vm— Paulie Doyle (@BigPaulieDoyle) April 16, 2018
this is literally the best opening scene in brooklyn nine nine i am absolutely losing my shit pic.twitter.com/dljI395qH5— 🐵🐯d-8 (@kimtaehvung) April 16, 2018
Racial bias training at Starbucks: pic.twitter.com/C8ZPT7qg9U— Philip Lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) April 17, 2018
Bless me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.— Sarah Jones (@SarahJonesVent) April 17, 2018
Priest: how long has it been since your last confession
Me: it's been...
The last word on Morrissey. pic.twitter.com/70tDp4Utjr— Ashley Clark (@_Ash_Clark) April 17, 2018
"we need to have a podcast together" is the millennial "dude, we should totally start a band"— El (@severalcrows) April 17, 2018
My therapist: You need stop fixating on "Skull Cow". It's not real and it can't hurt you.— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) April 18, 2018
Skull Cow: pic.twitter.com/aBfvegv4dH
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.— NeecieBae (@NothingOnNeecie) April 17, 2018
Ah, the great American mourning ritual, in which we come together to misremember the dead as beloved heroes. Barbara Bush saying Katrina survivors "were underprivileged anyway"? Outspoken! Not ignoring an AIDS crisis while wearing massive pearls? A philanthropic achievement!— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) April 18, 2018
i ordered 30 of these last week and they just arrived today. now idk what to do with them pic.twitter.com/sHqoFjHW3r— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 18, 2018
These Black Women listening to Taylor Swift's cover of "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire is SENDING ME 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭 pic.twitter.com/TIFm2137OT— The Vixen of Gay T W I T T E R✊🏾 (@_TheRealKareem_) April 18, 2018
Great post in the Flat Earth group from this guy who thinks NASA is just one dude pic.twitter.com/63aErDNPu6— Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) April 18, 2018
every girl i know who posts about "good vibes" and "being kind to the world" bullied me in high school— detroit rock titty (@katie_b157) April 18, 2018
A LOT going on here in this tweet, but does Ben think there are urinals in women's bathrooms? pic.twitter.com/Co0OpVXUwB— Will🦕Menaker (@willmenaker) April 18, 2018
The Undertaker's entrance wouldn't be quite as intimidating if his theme was the Wii Shop Channel music. pic.twitter.com/dSFDkUemAc— Andy Kelly (@ultrabrilliant) April 19, 2018
Here is a short video featuring the president of the United States and his new lawyer. pic.twitter.com/D2VOz4HxCy— Old Rant Dump (@TrumpinTheShark) April 19, 2018
WASHINGTON -- The president's divorce lawyer says the president's personal lawyer, whose home was raided by the FBI, might rat out the president to the special counsel who has charged four members of the president's campaign, because he is afraid of being raped by black men.— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) April 20, 2018
Paul McCartney (1964): Ahh, I love making good normal rock music that everyone can enjoy *uses marijuana once* but what if instead we made unlistenable circus music— popular comedy account "the pixelated boat" (@pixelatedboat) April 20, 2018