Osombie [Blu-Ray]

So, let's imagine for a moment that Osama Bin Laden had been amassing an army of zombies while experimenting with biological weapons, ultimately turning himself into one as well right before being shot. Even after the premise of Osombie severely lowered any expectations, it's almost unbelievable that the film still somehow manages to find ways to disappoint. After a perfunctory prologue, we are introduced to an American military unit embedded in Afghanistan. They have obvious nicknames like Joker (Paul D. Hunt), who incessantly makes wisecracks, and Tomboy (Danielle Chuchran), an attractive blonde. They eventually cross paths with Dusty (Eve Mauro), a yoga instructor looking for her conspiracy theorist brother, Derek (Jasen Wade), who has embarked upon a rogue mission to dispose of Bin Laden once and for all. While making their way across the landscape, the group encounter scores of Bin Laden's undead minions and redundantly kill most with a headshot from an automatic weapon and a burst of CGI blood. As is usually the case with these things, not everyone is able to survive the ordeal because, when not attacking in hordes, these zombie terrorists have an inexplicable way of sneaking up on people, despite nothing but wide open space surrounding them in all directions. For such an inherently silly story, the tone is decidedly serious, eschewing a potentially more appropriate tongue-in-cheek approach in favour of unnecessary dramatic weight. The trouble is that the characters are sketched far too thinly to shoulder such a load, making it difficult to invest in anyone's emotions. For instance, when Tomboy's love interest in the group is bitten, she's momentarily devastated. But after spending some time swinging her trademark Kitana sword on a hillside in a short montage, she returns in the next scene as if nothing had happened. A few brief brushes with satire only hint at another missed take on the material — the kind of incisive, balls-to-the-walls commentary regularly delivered by South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone, or George A. Romero in his prime. Instead, the film is more than content to play this whole screwy plot straight, much like someone delivering a joke in deadpan long past the point of tedium. When Bin Laden is finally found, his potential execution feels more like a mercy killing because of his state. Of course, it's not only him being put out of his misery at that point; it's the audience too. There are no extras included.